There are Three Types of Liberals

People with left-leaning viewpoints are interesting creatures. At times, you almost want to believe the world is how they view it, but for some reason, reality and facts keep getting in the way. Wouldn’t it be nice to believe that a good way improve schools in the United States would be to create government bureaucracy and call it the Department of Education? Yet, even though they’re spending now spending over $46 billion a year, kids are doing worse in reading, science, SAT scores compared to 30 years ago. Sure it’s nice to believe in Santa Claus, but then you realize that even magical flying reindeer would disintegrate at the 650 miles-per-second speeds necessary to reach 91 million homes before Christmas morning.

Yet, it is not academically usefully to lump all leftists into one big group. After careful observations in their natural environments, it becomes apparent that experts can separate these “progressive” people into three distinct categories. Note of caution: it would be a mistake to assume that these groups are equal in size or equal in status. Rather than being viewed as simply three branches from the socialist tree, visual a pyramid scheme; where the group on top enjoys the good life while the bottom tier has the privilege to support them.

Now for all you bird liberal watchers, here’s how you can categorize the ones you observe.

Tier 1: The Power Seekers

One of the main things you learn during a university sociology class is just how much darn smarter you are than the general population. In fact, you leave that class thinking that if only the professor and you were in charge of the world, you could finally fix this sorry mess that humankind is in.

Tier 1 liberals are the ones who actually are putting into actions where those dreams are. They are the ones who are going to fix the world’s problems for you because they “care” and they simply know better. If there’s a problem, there’s a regulation to fix it.

Natural Habitats: Political office, academic settings, national media
Classic calling sounds:  “We need more regulations” and “It’s for the greater good”

Tier 2: The Permanent Dependents

As kids, we are completely dependent on our parents and nothing is ever our fault. Some people never grow up.

One reason why many businesses hesitate to open in low income areas is because it’s hard to find enough people who will even show up to work on time. But Tier 1 liberals would call this “blaming the victim” and the classic line, “racism”. Solution? Be “compassionate” and “give them a welfare check”.

Just like that, a permanent symbiotic relationship between the Tier 1 and Tier 2 liberals has been created. The government provides them large benefits and protects them from the “big, bad corporations”. In turn, the Tier 2 dependents keep the Tier 1’s in power.

Natural Habitats: Union shops, government subsidized housing, government jobs
Classic calling sounds: “The government has a ton of money” and “Don’t touch my pension!”

Tier 3: The Ignorant, the Spineless and the Short-Sighted

Tier 3 is still the largest of the three types of liberals, though the least stable. This is the default position for most people because it takes the least effort. Instead of being forced to make choices, it’s far easier to say “yes” to all the government programs Tier 1 liberals want to create than say “no”. Who wants to be compared to Hitler for canceling a program to give free food to kids? Unfortunately for the Tier 1 Power Seekers, once these people start paying taxes and realize there are long term consequences for actions, they may evolve into conservatives. For this reason, Tier 1 liberals need to create Tier 2 dependents as fast as they can.

Natural Habitats: College campuses, Jon Stewart’s audience, California
Classic calling sounds: “I’m not judgmental” and “I don’t care too much about politics but Bush sucks!”

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One purpose for this blog will be to reach out to the Tier 3 liberals. If they haven’t gotten their umbilical cord attached to the government payroll yet, there’s a chance that they can become educated, take the long term view and be ready to be called “stupid” by their professors and their values made fun of by Family Guy.

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