The Coming War on New Year’s Eve: Think it won’t happen?

Even though I have always heard atheists complain about Christmas while I was growing up, I always told myself that Christmas was way too popular to get rid of. While I got the popular part right, with 95% of Americans celebrating Christmas . . . seriously, name ONE other thing that 95% of Americans can agree on . . . political correctness is slowly strangling the life out of my favorite holiday. From kicking out Santa from hospitals to making it illegal for Congressmen to wish their constituents “Merry Christmas” by mail, I’ve come to realize that nothing is off limits.

Do you really think you won’t be seeing a memo like the one below from your manager discouraging you from celebrating New Year’s Eve in the near future?

Office Memo concerning the “New Year” from the Dept. of Human Resources and Political Correctness.

Dear Valued Employee,

Please note that all official recognition of “the new year” has been put on hold due to sensitivities toward people who may be offended. As Americans, we are generally so ethnocentric that we fail to realize that there are billions of people around the world who don’t recognize January 1st as the beginning of a new year. In fact, the Chinese calendar will celebrate year 4710, boasting a much richer history and background than the Western calendar.

In order to be inclusive of people with all different backgrounds, we will require all employees to refrain from wishing people a “happy new year” and instead use culturally-neutral greetings such as “have a happy day” or “hope you have an enjoyable time period”.

UPDATE: It has been brought to our attention that certain groups of people are more active during the night and are offended of the stereotype that discriminates against “night-owls”. Also, women-rights advocates have contacted us objecting to the use of the word “period”. They feel this is demeaning to women and perpetuates gender inequalities in the workplace.

In light of this news, all employees in management roles will complete mandatory sensitivity training. Until then, please refrain from greeting coworkers and customers during business hours as we work toward our goal to create an inclusive and pleasant work environment.


The Thought Police Human Resources

Just think of all the traumatized people who are currently in the throes of emotional distress, without a voice to speak out against the horrors of being wished a Happy New Year! Don’t worry, the political correctness warriors will take care of it soon. 🙂

Have a Happy New Year!